Another day, she left home in terrible mood.She snapped at me when I tried to comfort her.
She came home broken and crumpled yesterday. While ignoring my greetings she went to her room.I kept sitting on the couch, waiting for her.
After a while, she appeared and lay beside me on the couch, putting her head in my lap.
“I want to say something: promise me you’ll not get angry?”
I said, “Sure!”
“No! First you swear!”
“Ok, I swear!”
She brought her arm in front of my eyes. It was scratched and reddened with bruises. She did that again!
“What happened?”
“YOU CAN’T HURT YOURSELF BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE BAD WITH YOU?”
I tried to speak, but she got up. “You swear you’ll not get angry!”
While I, bleeding inside, was in pain. It hurt so intensely to watch my only daughter, a promising girl, going through this! They say parenting is letting pieces of your heart hang around. I knew it’s letting them get hurt and bleed all around while you just sit there, watching your heart die with every hurt, and doing nothing. Just saying. “I am sorry, it’s hard!” When you want to set fire to the earth.
She had been through this for the last three months. We changed the school, the city, the state — but it’s still there. Boys in class catcall her while she is already surviving anxiety. She punched them in the face in reaction. It didn’t help. It accelerated. The therapist advised ignoring and stopping giving reaction. She tried hard, but it’s becoming harder and harder every day.
She is losing her mind in it. She can’t bear it anymore! And when she goes out of control, she started pinching herself to distract, hurting herself to bleed, to look over the mental pain. After she got serious bruises, she came back to reality, went to the nurse and counsellor, got bandaged, and came home hurt and bruised.
That’s the second time it happened!
I called my husband and told him to go to school and ask them where is the discipline and safety measures they promised when they get skyrocket fees?
He said, “I’ll go tomorrow!”
“Not tomorrow! Today!” I argued. What’s the point of tomorrow when she is hurt today? You need to stand with her. Don’t leave her alone!
He didn’t listen. I said everything to move him, but to no avail. Tomorrow didn’t change to today.
“If you are in such a hurry, go yourself!”
I was out of money for a taxi and didn’t have a car. Even if I somehow walked there, I’d be so late the school would be empty till I reached. Secondly, I wanted him to go and ask them in a father’s strict way.
I had been there before and complained. Women talk softly; men can break the face. So I wanted him this time, but he refused to entertain my plea.
I tried to give her some quality time. I read her project — a story she had written for English class.
It was about an eight-year-old girl who was in an emergency room, alone. She had been denied and left alone by everyone. She left the emergency room looking for help but found none. In her world, there was no one — no parent, no doctor. And in this effort, she lost control of her mind and went insane. She left confined in the emergency room again.
It broke my heart. I knew it was her. In the little girl, it was she who was suffering, suffering alone.
She felt better when I appreciated her writing and style. She slept with a good taste.
This morning, she woke up dull and exhausted. She wanted to stay home. We were trying to get her out in the sun after two years of home schooling, so I encouraged her for school. Then she didn’t want to bathe. I had to push her again. Till the bus arrived, she was in her worst mood. I tried to sit with her and said, “Let’s let the dogs bark.” She refused and snapped at me. She said:
“I started hating my name now. They keep calling my name, and it feels like a bullet in my brain!”
And again, she left the house without saying goodbye.The door closed, but the echo of her words stayed — like a bullet in my brain.
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Sofia kashif
SofiaLog 